Let Me Tell You About My Paladin
A Modest Proposal [Bad Words Inside]
Ya know, English is a great language. It has very little confusing inflection, the grammar is amazingly flexible, and the vocabulary, if laid end to end, would reach to the moon and back thirty-seven times. True fact.
This vast vocabulary means English is ideal for poetry. With so many synonyms it's easy to fit any difficult metre, or express just the right shade of meaning. Except in one conspicuous case. There's only one word for Love.
I love you. I love that hat. I love what you did with the place. I love pecan pie. I love Abe Vigoda. There's a lot packed into those four letters. That little word is strained to the breaking point trying to contain all those shades of meaning.
Some languages have lots of words for love. Family love, love between friends, love for all humanity, down and dirty bunny love. We're stuck with one dang word for all that, and more. We need at least one more word for love, at least to separate intense enduring affection from erotic love.
How many times have you said, "I love [person of the same gender]," and gotten a weird look? How often do you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend, "I love you," and wondered if they knew you meant more than you love fig newtons?
Friends, we need another word for love. A word everyone is familiar with. A word people use everyday. A four letter word. Friends, that noble word, that word that will free us from doubt and confusion, is, The F-Word.
That's right: fuck. Not only does it distinguish between pure platonic love and dirty sexual love, it also perfectly describes Modern Romance. Consider the following.
Man: "Darling, I...I've wanted to say this for a long time. I love you."
Woman: "For a long time? You say you love your PS3 every single day! Is that all I mean to you? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"
Ouch. Let's try the New Modern Way.
Man: "Honey, I just want you to know, I fuck you."
Woman: "Oh, sweetheart. Every time we fuck it tells me you fuck me, and I fuck you too. You might love your PS3 but you don't fuck it. At least, not as much as you fuck me."
Much better.
Try it yourself! The next time you're talking to someone and they say they love your hat, ask them, "Do you mean you love it, or you fuck it?" They'll appreciate the distinction. And be sure to make it clear to your friends, "I love pecan pie, but I fuck Abe Vigoda."
Brought to you by The Friends and Fuckers of the English Language.
This vast vocabulary means English is ideal for poetry. With so many synonyms it's easy to fit any difficult metre, or express just the right shade of meaning. Except in one conspicuous case. There's only one word for Love.
I love you. I love that hat. I love what you did with the place. I love pecan pie. I love Abe Vigoda. There's a lot packed into those four letters. That little word is strained to the breaking point trying to contain all those shades of meaning.
Some languages have lots of words for love. Family love, love between friends, love for all humanity, down and dirty bunny love. We're stuck with one dang word for all that, and more. We need at least one more word for love, at least to separate intense enduring affection from erotic love.
How many times have you said, "I love [person of the same gender]," and gotten a weird look? How often do you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend, "I love you," and wondered if they knew you meant more than you love fig newtons?
Friends, we need another word for love. A word everyone is familiar with. A word people use everyday. A four letter word. Friends, that noble word, that word that will free us from doubt and confusion, is, The F-Word.
That's right: fuck. Not only does it distinguish between pure platonic love and dirty sexual love, it also perfectly describes Modern Romance. Consider the following.
Man: "Darling, I...I've wanted to say this for a long time. I love you."
Woman: "For a long time? You say you love your PS3 every single day! Is that all I mean to you? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"
Ouch. Let's try the New Modern Way.
Man: "Honey, I just want you to know, I fuck you."
Woman: "Oh, sweetheart. Every time we fuck it tells me you fuck me, and I fuck you too. You might love your PS3 but you don't fuck it. At least, not as much as you fuck me."
Much better.
Try it yourself! The next time you're talking to someone and they say they love your hat, ask them, "Do you mean you love it, or you fuck it?" They'll appreciate the distinction. And be sure to make it clear to your friends, "I love pecan pie, but I fuck Abe Vigoda."
Brought to you by The Friends and Fuckers of the English Language.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Xose Lucero on -
Dammit! Lust. Yeah. Forget I said anything. English is fine as is.
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Permalink Reply by Berin Kinsman on -
This thread was worth it just to watch you swear.
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Permalink Reply by matholwch on
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'Grok' is a word that comes from some SF book I read a long time ago. It means to know well and appreciate.
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Permalink Reply by Hank Harwell on
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Stranger in a Strange Land, by Heinlein.
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Permalink Reply by Sir Golgotha, KEoPS on -
'Grok' means 'drink'.
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Permalink Reply by Ruminator on -
That is pretty funny. Of course, there are lot's of synonyms with appropriate connotations, people are just lazy and just stick with the one they know.
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Permalink Reply by Cameron Goble on
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Fuck, just like love, is far over-used. I suggest we just swap 'em out. I think I'll start using love as an expletive and see how many weird looks I'll get.
Love all you motherlovers right up your loveholes!
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Permalink Reply by Berin Kinsman on
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Loveholes. That'd be a great name for a band, except it's too evocative of Mrs. Cobain, you know, Courtney Hole.
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Permalink Reply by Xose Lucero on
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That would really make for a weird version of that scene in Robocop.
"Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me!"
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Permalink Reply by Xose Lucero on
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Movies would be bizarre. Russ Meyer presents Faster, Pussycat! Love! Love! Or the Gregory Peck classic To Love a Mockingbird. Or the Steven Seagal action flick Hard to Love. Or the historical dramatization that reveals The Plot To Love Hitler. Or the Oscar winner with Sam Waterston and John Malkovich, The Loving Fields. Of course, sometimes it doesn't quite work out, like the Tarantino gorefest Love Bill. If only Bill were named Dove.
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Permalink Reply by Sir Golgotha, KEoPS on
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But all of those titles work well with the original substitution added:
Faster, Pussycat! Fuck! Fuck!
To Fuck a Mockingbird
Hard to Fuck
The Plot to Fuck Hitler
The Fucking Fields
and even Fuck Bill.
Of course there's always Dr. Strangefuck or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Fuck the Bomb.
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