Let Me Tell You About My Paladin
A Modest Proposal [Bad Words Inside]
Ya know, English is a great language. It has very little confusing inflection, the grammar is amazingly flexible, and the vocabulary, if laid end to end, would reach to the moon and back thirty-seven times. True fact.
This vast vocabulary means English is ideal for poetry. With so many synonyms it's easy to fit any difficult metre, or express just the right shade of meaning. Except in one conspicuous case. There's only one word for Love.
I love you. I love that hat. I love what you did with the place. I love pecan pie. I love Abe Vigoda. There's a lot packed into those four letters. That little word is strained to the breaking point trying to contain all those shades of meaning.
Some languages have lots of words for love. Family love, love between friends, love for all humanity, down and dirty bunny love. We're stuck with one dang word for all that, and more. We need at least one more word for love, at least to separate intense enduring affection from erotic love.
How many times have you said, "I love [person of the same gender]," and gotten a weird look? How often do you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend, "I love you," and wondered if they knew you meant more than you love fig newtons?
Friends, we need another word for love. A word everyone is familiar with. A word people use everyday. A four letter word. Friends, that noble word, that word that will free us from doubt and confusion, is, The F-Word.
That's right: fuck. Not only does it distinguish between pure platonic love and dirty sexual love, it also perfectly describes Modern Romance. Consider the following.
Man: "Darling, I...I've wanted to say this for a long time. I love you."
Woman: "For a long time? You say you love your PS3 every single day! Is that all I mean to you? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"
Ouch. Let's try the New Modern Way.
Man: "Honey, I just want you to know, I fuck you."
Woman: "Oh, sweetheart. Every time we fuck it tells me you fuck me, and I fuck you too. You might love your PS3 but you don't fuck it. At least, not as much as you fuck me."
Much better.
Try it yourself! The next time you're talking to someone and they say they love your hat, ask them, "Do you mean you love it, or you fuck it?" They'll appreciate the distinction. And be sure to make it clear to your friends, "I love pecan pie, but I fuck Abe Vigoda."
Brought to you by The Friends and Fuckers of the English Language.
This vast vocabulary means English is ideal for poetry. With so many synonyms it's easy to fit any difficult metre, or express just the right shade of meaning. Except in one conspicuous case. There's only one word for Love.
I love you. I love that hat. I love what you did with the place. I love pecan pie. I love Abe Vigoda. There's a lot packed into those four letters. That little word is strained to the breaking point trying to contain all those shades of meaning.
Some languages have lots of words for love. Family love, love between friends, love for all humanity, down and dirty bunny love. We're stuck with one dang word for all that, and more. We need at least one more word for love, at least to separate intense enduring affection from erotic love.
How many times have you said, "I love [person of the same gender]," and gotten a weird look? How often do you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend, "I love you," and wondered if they knew you meant more than you love fig newtons?
Friends, we need another word for love. A word everyone is familiar with. A word people use everyday. A four letter word. Friends, that noble word, that word that will free us from doubt and confusion, is, The F-Word.
That's right: fuck. Not only does it distinguish between pure platonic love and dirty sexual love, it also perfectly describes Modern Romance. Consider the following.
Man: "Darling, I...I've wanted to say this for a long time. I love you."
Woman: "For a long time? You say you love your PS3 every single day! Is that all I mean to you? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"
Ouch. Let's try the New Modern Way.
Man: "Honey, I just want you to know, I fuck you."
Woman: "Oh, sweetheart. Every time we fuck it tells me you fuck me, and I fuck you too. You might love your PS3 but you don't fuck it. At least, not as much as you fuck me."
Much better.
Try it yourself! The next time you're talking to someone and they say they love your hat, ask them, "Do you mean you love it, or you fuck it?" They'll appreciate the distinction. And be sure to make it clear to your friends, "I love pecan pie, but I fuck Abe Vigoda."
Brought to you by The Friends and Fuckers of the English Language.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lon Sarver on -
See, the guy just has rejection and self-esteem issues. He only shoots people and robs liquor stores to silence his craving for love. Or fuck. Whichever.
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Permalink Reply by mrmontie on -
haha. So may versions of this movie. I swear to god I still havent seen the full on sick version that was the glory of the laser disc. The recent dvd release was missing some footage. like the other 27 minutes of murphy getting mangled and shot and otherwise raped 17 guns.
The tv version is amusing. "WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME!"
not as bad as" yippie kai-ay MEESTAR FALCON!" though. best voice over evar.
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Permalink Reply by Cameron Goble on
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"Friends and Fuckers of the English Language."
I loving fuck this post. I'm so glad I read it again. Ergo, bump. Definitely a "greatest hits" nominee.
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Permalink Reply by Xose Lucero on -
Just when I thought this was buried forever I am undone by forum necromancy. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I had fun making it, but that doesn't stop me from being deeply ashamed of it. Actually, that describes most everything I post around here.
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